To find oneself.

    
      My palms were sweaty. The paper I was clutching tightly in my hands was now moist. I swallowed and took a deep breath.

      'You can do this. You just can. It's easy. It'll all be over in half a minute,' I thought to myself.

      'One and a half,' my brain auto-corrected me.

      'Yeah, well. Damn you too, brain.'

      "Who's next? Saad, come up fast," the teacher called. Saad, the guy next to me went up.

      It was our class assembly. And my part was after the poem guy, Saad. It was just a rehearsal of our class assembly, not the actual occasion. But my brain didn't care as it stopped responding occasionally, while my heart did the exact opposite, beating rapidly like helicopter blades.

      I took a deep breath...and sneezed. 'It's gonna be fine. You did this a lot in front of the mirror. Why so twitchy now?'

      'There are people looking at me,' I replied to myself.

      'There are some people looking at you. They are just around thirty. Besides, its just a bloody small speech. You know it by heart, you wrote it! You should feel proud!'

      I did feel proud when our teacher read it to the whole class. But that feeling quickly subsided as he announced that it would be me who would read it.

      I had serious confidence issues.

      "B-b-b-but sir, I can't."

      "Yes, you can. Now hurry along, I've got some work."

      Damn, damn, damn, damn.

      DAMN!!!!!

      I rehearsed a lot. But I knew in front of some 1600 bored students, all staring at 
my thin face with drowsy eyes, I couldn't.

      "That was good, but speak into the mic. You shift your legs a lot," our teacher said to Saad. "Uday, you're up now."

      I walked onto the stage, feeling totally out of place.

      "Begin."

      "India, a wonder. As I-I-ndians, we sh-sh-sh-..."

      Silence beat upon my eardrums. My mouth was open, but no sound was forthcoming. I tried again, clearing my throat to shake off the embarrassment. Nobody was fooled.

      Oh yeah. I stammer when I speak. That's the driving force behind my low self-confidence. Should've mentioned that.

      " As I-I-I-Indians, we should b-be p-p-p-proud..." there it was again. There were a few giggles. I didn't dare look up.

      I tried again. And again. Laughter echoed in my ears as I stuttered to a halt at the third attempt. I barely got to the next line when the laughter became too loud. I bled a tear.

      Now I couldn't breath properly. Hiccups erupted between two breaths.

      Great. Fabulous.

      I couldn't complete the short speech. I looked up at Sir, my face showing clearly that I didn't want anything to do with the assembly anymore. His expression was something I didn't recognize. It was...mingled.

      It was faith... not disappointment. He was confused. He had confidence that I could do it, yet he couldn't understand what made my self-confidence stutter. It was as if he was trying to fathom the reason behind my failure. He nodded, and I ran to the washroom.

      I washed my face several times, and came back after 10 minutes. I signalled to Sir that I was ready. I said the whole speech without any hiccups. It wasn't miraculous. It wasn't like I had discovered something new in me.

      But that look on one of my favourite teachers was enough. I just had to overcome my fears and find that confidence. I couldn't find it before. That's why I made it.

      I made myself believe I was confident. I fashioned it out of thin air. It wasn't difficult. It was an act. But it did its part. Sir was happy. I was happy.

      Finally, the actual day of the class assembly dawned. My turn came. I felt pretty confident as I stepped onto the stage.

      "India, a wonder," I started. On an impulse, I added,'' By Uday Shikhar." My voice echoed around the grounds. Some students behind me laughed. And that's when the make-shift confidence and courage became corporeal. I had no fear. I ranted out the speech in full flow, and came back to my classmates with a puffed chest( Though I still looked skinny) and a broad smile.

------


  (AN: Part fact, part fiction, you can guess which part is fact and which is fiction. And if this post isn't as good as the ones before, sorry. But I had to post something.)